


A Shot In The Dark

by Telas_Selar



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Crying Leonard McCoy, Decompression Sickness, Guilt, Guilty Jim Kirk, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Canon-Typical Violence, Implied/Referenced Conditioning, Implied/Referenced Mind Rape, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Leonard has decompression sickness, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Jim Kirk, Protective Spock, Self-harming Leonard McCoy, Shakespeare Quotations, Soft!Spock, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Leonard McCoy, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Temporarily deaf Leonard McCoy, bittersweet fluff, caring spock, implied eating disorder, spones - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21572797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Telas_Selar/pseuds/Telas_Selar
Summary: Still reeling from the events of the mirrorverse, Leonard McCoy struggles to understand his own self-destructive thoughts. Meanwhile, Jim finds himself helpless in the face of his crew's dark experiences, and Spock offers some wisdom.Written for 0_0donkey as a post-mirrorverse drabble based on our ongoing roleplay.
Relationships: Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock
Comments: 1
Kudos: 44





	A Shot In The Dark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



Open skies - infinite darkness. Millions of stars, galaxies, planets, a whole world of possibilities. 

Hope, love, kindness, joy. 

Emotions, words… _lies._

Leonard's fingertips curled tighter around the glass of synthehol, as he lifted it up in one fluid motion and tipped the contents down his throat. 

It was his fifth already, and the lounge was empty, the only sound aside from his own breathing the slow hum of the ship's machinery. 

A silence which caused his throat to constrict, the ringing in his ears to amplify, and his nails to dig into his palms every so often, leaving behind bleeding red streaks in their wake. 

The lack of sound simultaneously brought him terror and caused him to squeeze his eyes shut in order to increase it. 

He was afraid, deeply afraid, yet he found himself constantly simulating the total stillness and darkness of the sensory deprivation tank. 

He could not help it - that silence had been the semi-final step to breaking his mind. Revisiting it was almost an obsession, a hunger which could not be satiated. It felt like a punishment, yet like liberation, something he needed, something he _craved._

Almost like the pain. 

Not soon long after his bones and muscles had been mended, Leonard found himself inflicting pain in the form of careful, horizontal cuts that went from wrist to shoulder, then ankle to hip. But soon the cuts ceased to be shallow, and that precision ceased to exist. He could no longer hide them, even with the technology the _Enterprise_ possessed. He abandoned his medical tunic, began to sleep in his science uniform. 

He began to experiment on himself, taking dangerous amounts of stimulants mixed in with volatile substances which were definitely not made for the human body. These cocktails kept him awake, blocked out his dreams, diminished his dwindling appetite. 

But they also weakened his immune system, turned his nails blue, took the colour out of his skin, his eyes, his hair.

Leonard McCoy had become a mere ghost of himself, a ghost who never laughed, a ghost with haunted eyes, a shadow of the man he had once been. 

He had gone from being an irritable country doctor to the silent, self-destructive survivor of unspeakable horrors. 

It had only been a week since they had staggered back from the mirror universe, bruised battered and broken with a multitude of dark secrets which they knew they could never speak of, and yet Leonard had fallen into the rabbit hole already, accepting his memories, the damage, not as a part of him but as the only part of him left. 

Now as he sat alone, he felt his hazy mind wander to the one coherent thought of the man whom he had refused to let go of. 

Spock. 

Leonard's friend, his lover - his soulmate. Broken just as he was…and it was his fault. 

Just as he thought those words, his vision blurred with tears and he put the glass down, shoving it away from him hard enough to break it. 

In a matter of seconds, he had gripped his head in his hands, struggling to ground himself as he cried openly, raw emotion pouring forth from his mind like an open wound. 

Spock had died once from Leonard's lack of action. He had not forced his paralysed limbs to work in time, to save him, to give him an antidote to the chemical that had torn the Vulcan's mind from its discipline and into the realm of total chaos. 

He had not given up himself in time either. CPR had been useless but he shouldn't have bothered with it in the first place - not when their mirror counterparts so obviously held the key to save Spock's life. 

As he passed by the supposedly empty cafeteria, Jim Kirk froze, hearing Leonard's choked sobs three metres away. 

Guilt wrenched at the man's heart and he hurried forwards, quickening his pace. 

The doctor had not been easy to speak to since they had returned, but Jim was determined to keep trying. He could not leave him in this state - especially not now. So what if it cost the Captain more guilt? That was his friend in there, or whatever remained of his friend. Turning away was not an option. 

He set his jaw and stepped through the doors, scanning the dark room for Leonard and finding him easily, hunched over a table at the far end, his body shaking with barely-suppressed sobs, broken glass shards at his feet.

At first, Jim hesitated, but a flash of light as Leonard picked up one of the shards overrode that hesitation in an instant. 

"Bones!" Jim called out urgently, but even as he rushed over, Leonard only turned the shard over in his hand, looking up at the other with a strange look in his eyes.

It was an unsettling, haunting gaze that Jim had begun to become accustomed to. It was the expression of a tormented man who knew no light at the end of the tunnel.

 _"_ To die, to sleep, perchance to dream." The doctor quoted quietly. _"_ Ay, there's the rub - for in that sleep of death what dreams may come…when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause, there's the respect that makes calamity of so long life."

Jim could feel his blood run cold at the implication of the other's chosen quotation. Suicide…Leonard McCoy…who had previously found so much joy in life…quoting the words of a man pondering suicide. 

Unable to think clearly, Jim reached across the table, gripping the other's hands in his own, something he would not normally have done. 

"My tongue will tell the anger of my heart" The Captain responded desperately. "Or else my heart concealing it will break." 

_"The Taming Of The Shrew_ …Act 4, Scene 3" Someone said quietly, and Jim turned to see Spock, standing perfectly still, his hands at his sides, his gaze fixed on Leonard, who was not focused on either of them. 

"Spock" Jim replied thankfully, letting go of the doctor's hands. He knew that his first officer would not appreciate such a gesture on his part, considering what the touching of hands meant to Vulcans, but he was relieved all the same. "Spock, I just found him like this, what do I do?" 

"Nothing, Jim."

"What do you mean, nothing? Look at him!" 

"Captain, you misunderstand me" The Vulcan responded softly as he crossed over to his t'hy'la, checking the man's pulse with a simple touch to his wrist. "I was simply referring to the fact that you yourself cannot help him.. Not at present."

"Then what do I do, Spock? My whole crew is falling apart, their minds are hurting, their memories are dark and painful - and I don't know how to help!" 

"Perhaps, Jim, you should reflect upon that which has happened to _you."_

Taking the empty seat next to Leonard, Spock sat down, easing the other's head onto his lap, allowing him to assume a curled up position before he looked back up, meeting Jim's confused gaze. 

"What do you mean? You know what I did- what I let happen-" 

"Before that. The mission to Alpha Denaris IV several months ago…your capture at the hands of the Klingons."

Allowing Spock's words to sink in, Jim let out a carefully measured exhale, not having expected this to be brought up. 

"What of it? They interrogated me, I lied, they got no information."

"They did interrogate you and their methods were most unpleasant." 

"They're Klingons, Spock, what else did you expect? Besides, nothing they did to me could hope to match what happened to you two." 

"Captain, pain is not a competition. I was aware of that which was inflicted upon you, even after Leonard falsified the log entries to keep us in orbit. It was not..an easy situation. Now I ask you to draw from that - what did you feel, sir, when you returned?"

For a moment, Jim found himself hesitant, but one glance over at Leonard's vulnerable form, to Spock's gentle touch, the way he carded a hand through his lover's hair, sent more guilt coursing through Jim like wildfire. Had he not been so ignorant to their situation… 

"Agony" The Captain found himself responding. "Fear, regret. I..felt as though I couldn't be whole again. Like I'd been cleaved in two and patched back together again but wrong."

Spock inclined his head. 

"How long did it take you to recover from it?" 

"Four months, but even then-" 

"You did not fully recover. There is still a part of you which is incapable of letting that pain go. A part of you which sleeps, much like a snake, ready to strike when you least expect it."

Taken aback, Jim nodded. 

"Yes…yes exactly that, Mr Spock." 

"Then you can understand how deeply our…experience…has affected us." 

_Us._

A slip of the tongue. Spock had not intended to bring himself into the equation, this was about Leonard, and yet his subconscious mind could not prevent the word from slipping out. They had endured, all of them, including Lieutenant Uhura and Engineer Scott- so much, that it was unforgettable. Jim knew only bits and pieces, based upon what he had witnessed at the very end. 

No one was exactly eager to share what had transpired between them and their mirror counterparts, and yet it was obvious that the darkness which had enveloped those crew members for that fateful time would not desert their hearts nor their minds in a hurry. 

Pulling his own mind away from the tempting void, Spock sighed.

"Jim, it was not your fault, as doubtful as that may seem to you. But even so, you can only wait. Watch.. And wait. Leonard cares for you, but he is afraid. He does not trust you - he cannot, for his mind has been broken, fractured nearly to the point of no return."

"And what about the others? What about you? Scotty's the only one who's shown any mental stability at all and it worries me."

"Then Mr Scott's experience was no doubt less harrowing than ours" Spock mused. "However, Captain, appearances _can_ be deceiving. As for me, I…am fine." 

Even then, Jim was not fooled. 

"Spock" He said quietly. "I might have not been there but I know you're not alright. You can tell me you're fine, keep up that calm manner of yours but I saw you, both of you, and what I saw told me quite a lot."

"Indeed?" The Vulcan inquired, but his tone was uneven, making Jim swallow his next words. He was not going to push it. 

"Well, I leave the good doctor in your capable hands" He said, getting up slowly. "I'll be on the bridge - we have only a short time before we get to Taurus VII."

Spock inclined his head in response, watching Jim leave with more concern than he thought possible. 

The man was stressed, and tired. The Vulcan hoped that sooner or later he would be able to relax, but it seemed that that was not going to happen anytime soon. 

Letting his mind wander again, Spock pulled Leonard closer, and looked out to the stars beyond. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
